Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Life is unfair and there are winners and losers, regardless of how much overprotective parents attempt to shield their offspring from reality.
I feel like my takeaway from tonight is that it's okay to love shitty television, provided that you make an effort to appreciate other kinds of entertainment.
Butterflies are a lot like rainbows: They’re phenomenally beautiful in real life, yet no graphic representation can do them justice; ergo, it’s best to forgo.
I realized I couldn't have one foot in the fiction world and one foot in the nonfiction world, which is why 'Here I Go Again' is so not me. I didn't graduate from high school in the '90s, I never list...
Until he started watching The Walking Dead. Yeah, AMC. Thanks for that. He keeps telling me that I’d enjoy the show, but judging from all the screaming, shooting, and breaking glass I hear from my off...
This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.
The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing you could possibly ever need to fill your home and garden at low, l...
The difference between social media and a social life is the difference between eating a marshmallow Peep and dining on a tomahawk-cut rib eye: one is substantial and nutritious; the other is just a m...
So now I'm getting my gown made by an exclusive seamstress, and all thos anorexic whores on Michigan Avenue and Oak Street who made me feel like the Goodyear blimp can kiss the very fattest part of my...
Presently, Mary Mac—that’s what we call her for short—has churned out more kids than I can count. It’s like she’s a hoarder, only for children. In terms of personal achievement, she’s pretty much the...
NOTE
Let’s discuss. On the one hand, Ashley thought it was okay to feed children Hawaiian Punch and Fritos for a snack, because apparently she couldn’t get her hands on any Mexican black tar heroin. And ye...
Let me phrase it like this—do you want to live in the kitchen for the next four days, sweating your ass off while you make a meal it will take twenty minutes to eat? Do you want to attack a pile of di...
I’ve always wanted to take a swim wherever it is they snap those screensaver photos—Fiji? Bora Bora? The Maldives?—and sleep in a hotel room that’s more of a hut built on a dock over the water. After...
I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.
For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.
Except for thinking up reasons I’m allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today’s reason is because I have a cold. Yesterday’s was the dogs seemed sad.
Yesterday in the airport I spent ten minutes expounding on the virtues of Bethenny Frankel from the New York season of the Real Housewives until I realized the person next to me had been talking about...
Lives are meant to be our lives, and not a facade presented for the consumption of others; or, WE ARE NOT A MAGAZINE. I worry that younger women are striving so hard to present a compelling story via...