Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda.Maybe you're just you.
Or how about when a person publishes something along the lines of, This has been the worst day EVAH, but then gets all closed-lipped about why it’s been so bad. This is attention-seeking at its worst.
NOTE
Love at first sight is only a thing regarding dogs or designer purses.
Looking back, my abstinence was less a function of convictions and more because I was too much of a dork to be invited to parties. One doesn’t stumble into many dens of iniquity on the way to a speech...
I’m not one of those folks who have to face death to live life. I
This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.
I feel like my takeaway from tonight is that it's okay to love shitty television, provided that you make an effort to appreciate other kinds of entertainment.
Butterflies are a lot like rainbows: They’re phenomenally beautiful in real life, yet no graphic representation can do them justice; ergo, it’s best to forgo.
Fund-raising calls; I have to depose a witness that day! Sure, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that’s fine. But when we can’t buy new beakers for the science lab and your daughter’s lack of a STEM education lead...
When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
Until he started watching The Walking Dead. Yeah, AMC. Thanks for that. He keeps telling me that I’d enjoy the show, but judging from all the screaming, shooting, and breaking glass I hear from my off...
This is a Lucent PBX with Audix voice mail, right? I used this kind at all of my old jobs, so I'm pretty familiar with them.Completely ignoring me, Pat continues to demonstrate every single one of the...
The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing you could possibly ever need to fill your home and garden at low, l...
The difference between social media and a social life is the difference between eating a marshmallow Peep and dining on a tomahawk-cut rib eye: one is substantial and nutritious; the other is just a m...
So now I'm getting my gown made by an exclusive seamstress, and all thos anorexic whores on Michigan Avenue and Oak Street who made me feel like the Goodyear blimp can kiss the very fattest part of my...
Presently, Mary Mac—that’s what we call her for short—has churned out more kids than I can count. It’s like she’s a hoarder, only for children. In terms of personal achievement, she’s pretty much the...
Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Life is unfair and there are winners and losers, regardless of how much overprotective parents attempt to shield their offspring from reality.
Let’s discuss. On the one hand, Ashley thought it was okay to feed children Hawaiian Punch and Fritos for a snack, because apparently she couldn’t get her hands on any Mexican black tar heroin. And ye...