David Sedaris Quotes

Then I met a woman named Janine who was bitten and had to spend a week in the hospital. It was completely my own fault, she said. I shouldn’t have been wearing sandals. It didn’t have to strike you, I...

There was a big Sesame Street Live extravaganza over at Madison Square Garden, so thousands of people decided to make a day of it and go straight from Sesame Street to Santa. We were packed today, abs...

We’ve gotten ourselves a mortgage broker named Marcus Paisley, a man we obviously chose for his name. Hugh spoke to him yesterday morning and we spent the rest of the day imagining future calls. I’m s...

When it’s my turn, I’ll open my mouth, unable to speak, and feel a little tap on my wrist. Time to stand up, my watch will whisper. Then, before killing myself, I’ll say one last time, I am standing u...

Why do you think she did it? I asked as we stepped back into the sunlight. For that’s all any of us were thinking, had been thinking, since we got the news. Mustn’t Tiffany have hoped that whatever pi...

You’re not going to throw this away, are you? she says, and she’ll be talking about the grains of rice in the bottom of the salt shaker. No, Mrs. Peacock, by all means, you take them. They’ll come in...

But that’s what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.

Isn’t that technology’s job? To lighten our burden? To broaden our horizons? To make it possible to talk to your attorney and listen to a Styx album and check the obituaries in the town where your par...

Some cigarettes and when I returned she sat me down to discuss the Winter Olympics. Did you see it on the TV? That Tonya Harding? I never liked her. She’s a street fighter is what she is, a dirty snot...

The lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. You kids think you invented sex, my mother was fond of saying. But hadn’t we? With no instruction manual or federally enforced training period, didn’t...

All I do is fly, so one-upping Ann was pretty easy. A few years back, at a book signing, I met a pilot, I began. He flew the Newark to Palm Beach route, right? So it’s December twenty-third, and as th...

And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.

As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.

College is the best thing that can ever happen to you, my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking..

Do you think it was my fault that she drank? my father asked not long ago. It's the assumption of an amateur, someone who stops after his second vodka tonic and quits taking his pain medication before...

Everyone in America is extremely concerned with hydration. Go more than five minutes without drinking, and you’ll surely be discovered behind a potted plant, dried out like some escaped hermit crab. W...

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job is to convert rather than listen. ......

I can’t remember the last time I’ve enjoyed silence in an American theater. It’s easy to believe that our audiences spend the day saying nothing, actually saving their voices for the moment the pictur...

I have $211 and it doesn't make any sense.

I know it sounds calculating, but if you’re not cute, you might as well be clever.