Exceptions were made for Friday episodes of One Life to Live, and, occasionally, for Oprah, who was one of the few black people Helen had any regard for. Perhaps in the past she had been more open-min...
Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable down-swing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times...
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you, my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking..
Cand ne certam, tehnica lui tata era intotdeauna sa nege dorintele pe care ni le exprimam. Doca voiai, sa zicem, un teanc de clatite, nu-ti spunea ca nu ti le ia, ci ca tu, de fapt, nici nu le voiai.S...
But at the end of every show we would realize that true happiness often lies where you very least expect it. It might arrive in a form of a gentle breeze or a handful of peanuts, but when it came, we...
At a chain coffee bar in San Francisco, I saw a sign near the cream counter that read NAPKINS COME FROM TREES — CONSERVE! In case you missed the first sign, there was a second one two feet away, readi...
As a business traveler, you'll likely be met at your destination by someone who asks, So, how was your flight? This, as if there are interesting variations and you might answer, The live orchestra was...
And it’s bad enough to be caught in your underpants but even worse to be caught in your underpants scratching out a valium prescription on someone else’s pad.
All I do is fly, so one-upping Ann was pretty easy. A few years back, at a book signing, I met a pilot, I began. He flew the Newark to Palm Beach route, right? So it’s December twenty-third, and as th...
A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be comi...
Even if I were informed, what's the likelihood of changing anyone's opinion, especially a couple of strangers'? If my own little mind is nailed shut, why wouldn't theirs be?
We’ve gotten ourselves a mortgage broker named Marcus Paisley, a man we obviously chose for his name. Hugh spoke to him yesterday morning and we spent the rest of the day imagining future calls. I’m s...
There was a big Sesame Street Live extravaganza over at Madison Square Garden, so thousands of people decided to make a day of it and go straight from Sesame Street to Santa. We were packed today, abs...
Then I met a woman named Janine who was bitten and had to spend a week in the hospital. It was completely my own fault, she said. I shouldn’t have been wearing sandals. It didn’t have to strike you, I...
She was at a cash register, screaming at a customer. She was, in fact, calling this customer a bitch. I touched her arm and said, I have to go now. She laid her hand on my shoulder, squeezed it gently...
One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike some...
On the plane from Paris I heard a man say, The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is order a Big Gulp. I’m going to supersize everything! He said he’d been thirsty the entire time he was in P...
Now the room has the contours and atmosphere of all rooms in which people stay awake talking. The fluorescent light is grainy, staring. The clutter on the kitchen table—ketchup bottle, sagging butter...
No, I corrected her, I’m not a misogynist, I’m a misanthrope. I hate everyone equally.
I’m often misunderstood at my supermarket in Sussex, not because of my accent but because I tend to deviate from the script. Cashier: Hello, how are you this evening? Me: Has your house ever been burg...