David Sedaris Quotes

Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downsing that is sure to follow.

Fiecare reuniune are un moment anume in care se sparge. Ajuns la maturitate, mi se intampla de multe ori sa incerc sa identific acest moment, temandu-ma in acelasi timp, de inevitabilul care urmeaza s...

For you, anything. And as I did as I was instructed, I realized it was no different than playing a wind instrument. There were other musicians behind other curtains, and I swore I could hear them chim...

Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.

Greeks are just Jews without money.

He led me to the barn, where a Mexican man stood waiting for his turn at the shower. Whole-aah, Toe-moss, he shouted.

He spends a lot of time telling you how smart he is, which is odd because, if you’re truly all that bright, people can usually figure it out on their own.

I am optimistic that things will fall into place, and one day I’ll be sitting in New York City with correct bus fare in my pocket.

I cried for it all and wondered why so few songs were written about cats.

I had not laid a finger on the boy's head. I have never poked or prodded either a baby or a child, so why did I feel so dirty? Part of it was just my makeup, the deep-seated belief that I deserve a ba...

I need to touch the person’s head again. Experience has taught me that you can do this three times before the head’s owner either yells at you or rings for the flight attendant.

I thought about this for days, just as I thought of the special-ed teacher I met in Pittsburgh. You know, I said, I hear those words and automatically think Handicapped, or, Learning disabled. But are...

I told myself that if I looked at my brother differently, it was because of the suit, not the weight. He was a grown man now. He was going to get married, and therefore, he was a changed person.He too...

I'm not a misogynist. I'm a misanthrope. I hate everyone equally.

It was like seeing someone who wore a striped tie or parted his hair on the left — a detail, but not a telling one.

I’m often misunderstood at my supermarket in Sussex, not because of my accent but because I tend to deviate from the script. Cashier: Hello, how are you this evening? Me: Has your house ever been burg...

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species.

Now the room has the contours and atmosphere of all rooms in which people stay awake talking. The fluorescent light is grainy, staring. The clutter on the kitchen table—ketchup bottle, sagging butter...

On the plane from Paris I heard a man say, The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is order a Big Gulp. I’m going to supersize everything! He said he’d been thirsty the entire time he was in P...

Police caught the guy responsible for smashing windows and painting swastikas outside Jewish businesses on Devon Avenue. He’s out on bail now, and this morning’s paper included a picture of him. What...