Isn’t that technology’s job? To lighten our burden? To broaden our horizons? To make it possible to talk to your attorney and listen to a Styx album and check the obituaries in the town where your par...
You spend hours wrestling with yourself, trying to keep your vision intact, your intensity undiminished. Sometimes I have to stick my head under the tap to get my wits back. And for what? You know wha...
Why go to a store when you could go to a museum? she might ask. Um, because the museum doesn’t sell shit? My sisters and I refuse to feel bad about shopping. And why should we? Obviously we have some...
When I was this kid's age, you'd be burned alive for such talk. Being a homosexual was unthinkable, and so you denied it, and found a girlfriend who was willing to settle for the sensitive type. On da...
We’ve gotten ourselves a mortgage broker named Marcus Paisley, a man we obviously chose for his name. Hugh spoke to him yesterday morning and we spent the rest of the day imagining future calls. I’m s...
Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. Is thems the thoughts of cows? I’d ask the butcher, pointing to the calves’ brains displayed in...
There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfr...
There was a big Sesame Street Live extravaganza over at Madison Square Garden, so thousands of people decided to make a day of it and go straight from Sesame Street to Santa. We were packed today, abs...
There are only two places to get robbed: TV and the real world. On television you get your stuff back. In the real world, if you're lucky, the policeman who responds to your call will wonder what kind...
Then I met a woman named Janine who was bitten and had to spend a week in the hospital. It was completely my own fault, she said. I shouldn’t have been wearing sandals. It didn’t have to strike you, I...
The one titled Romance included the following: Would you like a drink? You’re a fantastic dancer. You look like some cousin of mine. The latter would work only if you were Asian, but even then it’s a...
The dialogue fills the auditorium like an unrefrigerated boxcar of month-old steaks.
The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. It really wouldn’t hurt you to take an interest in others, she said. I tell you I’m depressed, I tell you I feel cornered and lonely...
She was at a cash register, screaming at a customer. She was, in fact, calling this customer a bitch. I touched her arm and said, I have to go now. She laid her hand on my shoulder, squeezed it gently...
One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike some...
On the plane from Paris I heard a man say, The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is order a Big Gulp. I’m going to supersize everything! He said he’d been thirsty the entire time he was in P...
November 4, 1987 Chicago I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read I LOVE KILLING COMMUNISTS. The word love was replaced by a heart shape I’m guessing they’ll put on the typewriter keyboard any d...
Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.
No, I corrected her, I’m not a misogynist, I’m a misanthrope. I hate everyone equally.
My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species.