The Times came last night; tonight it was Newsday and the Voice. I want to tell them we were just joking. It’s not a real play, it’s what comes from doodling while you’re holding a bong.
While the builders worked on the cottage, Hugh lived in what used to be the stable but was later converted into a guesthouse, the kind you’d have if you wanted to either discourage guests or contain t...
The people I hung out with in my early twenties were middle-class and, at least to our minds, artistic. We’d all turned our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have acc...
Love seemed all the sweeter when it was misunderstood, condemned by the outside world.
I thought of those people on the bus, going from one shitty place to the next, expecting nothing to change but the landscape. Soon I’d be sitting beside them, sharing my potato chips and thinking of t...
Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—A rescue snake, she’d be quick to inform you. This made it sound like he’d been snatched from the jaws...
Yesterday a woman had her son pee into a cup, which of course tipped over. That’s fine, I said, but Santa’s also going to need a stool sample.
The iPhone 2 led to the 3, but I didn’t get the 4 or 5 because I’m holding out for the 7, which, I’ve heard on good authority, can also be used as a Taser. This will mean I’ll have just one less thing...
I was still hoping that it might be a phase, that I'd wake up the next day and be normal. In the best of times, it seemed like such a short leap. I did fantasize about having a girlfriend—never the se...
If you think too hard about anything it’s bound to take the fun out of it.
He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father.He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples.He nice, the Jesus.
The younger an ingredient, the more highly it was valued, thus the baby chicken, the baby spinach, the newborn asparagus, each pale stalk as slender as a fang.
They did not live in a child’s house, we lived in theirs.
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In 2004,I offered priority (book)-signing to smokers, the reason being that, because they didn't have as long to live, their time was more valuable. Four years later my special treatment was reserved...
Hugh returned from his trip, and days later I still sounded like a Red Chinese asking questions about the democratic hinterlands. And you actually saw people smoking in restuarants? Really! And office...
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
Making it worse, I had to sit through another endless preview for Titanic. Who do they think is going to see that movie?
May I bring you a drink to go with those warm nuts, Mr. Sedaris? this woman looking after me asked - this as the people in coach were still boarding. The looks they gave me as they passed were the loo...
I felt betrayed, the way you do when you discover that your cat has a secret secondary life and is being fed by neighbors who call him something stupid like Calypso.
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