“ You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. Chelsea Handler
“ Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan? Chelsea Handler
“ That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort. Chelsea Handler
“ Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned af… Chelsea Handler
“ I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, tha… Chelsea Handler
“ I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, t… Chelsea Handler
“ E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure. Chelsea Handler
“ This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but… Chelsea Handler
“ Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?' Chelsea Handler
“ I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amoun… Chelsea Handler
“ Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.' Chelsea Handler
“ I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it. Chelsea Handler
“ I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. Chelsea Handler
“ I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking. Chelsea Handler
“ I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into na… Chelsea Handler
“ If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism. Chelsea Handler
“ And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing… Chelsea Handler
“ Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrenc… Chelsea Handler
