The future which we hold in trust for our own children will be shaped by our fairness to other people's children.
Since God knows our future, our personalities, and our capacity to listen, He isn't ever going to say more to us than we can deal with at the moment.
While I take inspiration from the past, like most Americans, I live for the future.
I don't think of myself as a comedian, but as an artist, a scientist and chemist who just happens to be funny. I started doing stand-up to add another level to my game. I feel that I'm a young rookie...
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.
I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but the future ain't that funny.
Memories are doing funny things to us.
It's funny because it's funny.
I don't think, 'Gee, I'd like to dress this person.' There was a picture in Us magazine. It was a jersey dress, and Courtney Love was wearing it. I have this thing about Courtney Love, this funny wors...
Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you'...
I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Never floss with a stranger.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
It's interesting because people assume that because I'm famous I know all famous people.
I think that when you are famous every weakness is exaggerated.
In my family in particular, I think, there was a sense we have to work twice as hard.
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