If you can laugh together, you can work together.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.