Writing, at its heart, is a solitary pursuit, designed to make people depressoids, drug addicts, misanthropes, and antisocial weirdos.
People talk about confidence without ever bringing up hard work. That’s a mistake. I know I sound like some dour older spinster on Downton Abbey who has never felt a man’s touch and whose heart has tu...
No one ever wants to hear about how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn't a conversation. It'll ne...
Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn’t on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly emp...
Learning about new hot sauces is the least expensive way to improve my quality of life.
It was through eavesdropping that I learned that you could buy fresh peanut butter at Whole Foods from a machine that . I had wasted so much of my life eating stupid old, already-ground peanut butter....
Is Dwight really like that in real life? to which I respond: Oh, no, Rainn isn’t like Dwight. Dwight is an angel next to Rainn. Rainn is a demon.
I know many friends who loved their sororities. I wasn’t traumatized. I was just bored.
I also became familiar with an entirely new category of people: the unhappily married person. They are everywhere, and they are ten thousand times more depressing than a divorced person. My friend Tim...
Even though Mavis was my secret friend, she is the only one I hope I see again. She’s the only one I wonder about. I hope she wonders about me too.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT all white people are racist. And
Chubby: A regular-size person who could lose a few, for whom you feel affection. Chubster: An overweight, adorable child. That kid from Two and a Half Men for the first couple of years. Fatso: An anti...
But it’s not that I think I’m so great. I just don’t hate myself. I do idiotic things all the time and I say crazy stuff I regret, but I don’t let everything traumatize me. And the scary thing I have...
People talk about mumblecore but I prefer bumblecore, hyper-realistic bee movies about how bees really are.
I try not to put anything political on the forefront of what I'm trying to do creatively. At the same time, I do think it's wonderful when I hear people say that it's inspirational that I'm an Indian...
Fast food is hugely important in the life of a comedy writer. All we do is order in, and what we're going to eat is hotly debated.
Anyone who's lost someone to cancer will say this, that you have to struggle to try to remember the person before the diagnosis happened, because they really do change - as anyone would change.
The unhappily married person. They are everywhere, and they are ten thousand times more depressing than a divorced person. My friend Tim, whose name I’ve changed, obviously, has gotten more and more d...
With no music to listen to, I just biked around in circles talking to myself like a kid on the cover of a Robert Cormier young adult novel,
When Your Boyfriend Fits into Your Jeans and Other Atrocities