It was through eavesdropping that I learned that you could buy fresh peanut butter at Whole Foods from a machine that . I had wasted so much of my life eating stupid old, already-ground peanut butter....
Is Dwight really like that in real life? to which I respond: Oh, no, Rainn isn’t like Dwight. Dwight is an angel next to Rainn. Rainn is a demon.
I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead...
Chubby: A regular-size person who could lose a few, for whom you feel affection. Chubster: An overweight, adorable child. That kid from Two and a Half Men for the first couple of years. Fatso: An anti...
But it’s not that I think I’m so great. I just don’t hate myself. I do idiotic things all the time and I say crazy stuff I regret, but I don’t let everything traumatize me. And the scary thing I have...
Be like Allan Pearl. Sit next to the class clown and study him. Then grow up, take everything you learned, and get paid to be a real-life clown, unlike whatever unexciting thing the actual high school...
The expectation that TV women need to be more likeable than men is bullshit and in need of a change.
The best kind of laughter is laughter born of a shared memory.
Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not? I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t. It would be t...
When you think a girl looks pretty, say it. But don’t reference the thing that might reveal you are aware of the backstage process: e.g., say, You look gorgeous tonight, not I like how you did your ma...
When smart people are nice, it's always terrifying, because I know they're taking in everything and thinking all kinds of smart and potentially judgmental things.
When most people sing karaoke, they think of themselves as contestants on American Idol, and they sing and perform their hearts out. But I really think people should be thinking of themselves more as...
What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.
We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other’s undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over forever.
The reason I pull Irish exits is not because I think I'm too busy and cool to be bothered with pleasantries. It's that when there is a gathering of more than thirty people I don't want to waste your t...
The Skinny Woman Who Is Beautiful and Toned but Also Gluttonous and DisgustingAgain, I am more than willing to suspend my disbelief for good set decoration alone. One pristine kitchen from a Nancy Mey...
People ask me all the time how I got hired onto the Office. Another common question is how do I manage to stay so down-to-earth in the face of such incredible success? ... A third frequently asked que...
No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum. THE
My mom’s a doctor, but because she came from India and then Africa, where childhood obesity was not a problem, she put no premium on having skinny kids. In fact, she and my dad didn’t mind having a ch...
I’ve always loved clothes. Like any normal woman, I would see a dress, buy it, rip the tags off with my teeth, save the buttons for ten to twelve years in a drawer, and wear it to work.