IN SEVENTH GRADE I started at a new school. On the first day, I was so anxious to make friends, I brought a family-size bag of Skittles to homeroom so I could pass them out and entice my new classmate...
I've found my productive-writing-to-screwing-around ratio to be one to seven. So, for every eight hour day of writing, there is only one good productive hour of work being done. The other seven hours...
I would rather have someone read my diary than look at my iPod playlists.
I will employ the gentle, vague expression I’m not crazy about that on you, which should mean to you, Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible! I owe it to you to give feedback like a cattle prod...
I skipped out of the Fox lot, threw my Keds back on, resisted the temptation to go over to the Simpsons building and take selfies with the Bart Simpson topiary,
I love you, Mindy! Mindy, look at me, believe me!I don't?Why????Because you love me until you don't.
I like to think of myself as the Rod Blagojevich of television.
I guess nothing puts a damper on a one-night stand as much as your friend pointing out all the opportunities where you might have been killed.
I don’t wake up in the morning, look at my naked body in the mirror, and say, Good morning, body. Once again, you’ve nailed it, you gorgeous imperfect thing. That wobbly patch of cellulite? A miracle....
Entitlement is simply the belief that you deserve something. Which is great. The hard part is, you'd better make sure you deserve it. So, how did I make sure that I deserved it?To answer that, I would...
Don’t be closer to twice a friend’s weight than to her actual weight, I told myself. This little mantra has helped me stave off obesity for more than two decades.
Confidence is just entitlement.
Cat Hats: Sixteen Paper Hats to Put on Your Unsuspecting Kitty.
But for years I just chose to never do any strength training because it seemed hard. It wasn’t until a particularly disturbing night when I couldn’t lift myself off the sofa because of lack of upper b...
Back then, we all thought Lever 2000 was the best because the number 2000 seemed so impressive. Were there 1999 formulas before they landed on this one? That sounds really well researched. I’m in!
Asking your friend to be a bridesmaid is one of the modern paradoxes: no one actually wants to do it, but everyone would be offended if you didn’t ask.
As it is, I guess I find Jack and Diane a little disgusting.As a child of immigrant professionals, I can't help but notice the wasteful frivolity of it all. Why are these kids not at home doing their...
And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don't hate themselves. So that's why you need to be a little bit brave.
On differences between men and boys) Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn't on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo in...
Which I would write on Sunday afternoons sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor with no pants on.