A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.
What liberals must conserve is the middle class: the stable family who can afford to enjoy music and theater and take the kids to Europe someday and put money in the collection plate and save for coll...
The teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living, and Timmy stood up and said, My daddy’s a doctor and my mommy’s a doctor too. And little Sarah stood up and said, My mommy’s an...
That’s what high school does for you: gives you some art and music and history so that even if you spend your life raising kids and writing computer programs, still there was a time when you argued ab...
James Brown went to the pearly gates and met St. Peter who took him to a room where Jerry Garcia was playing and Jimi Hendricks and Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. James Brown says, I was worried maybe...
The living wander away, we don’t hear from them for months, years—but the dead move in with us to stay.
The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag’s on...
Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.
He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.
Good old Norwegian cooking: you don't read much about that, or about good old Norwegian hospitality.
Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.
I just sort of slid into it, like you’d go for a walk in the woods and fall into a crevasse and wind up in a cave full of rubies and emeralds.
A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.
Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn’t. Woman: See what I mean?
When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.
My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.
IMPORTANT Book reading is a solitary and sedentary pursuit, and those who do are cautioned that a book should be used as an integral part of a well-rounded life, including a daily regimen of rigorous...
I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don't see how he's going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He'd be the first.Yes, says Jesus, you...