I rant, therefore I am.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life...
And you know, while I’m at it, I don’t care what arcane passage you pull out of the Old Testament and run through your Jeremiah-begat-Jedediah Decoder Ring, one of the definitive tenets of Christianit...
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw...
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It...