“ This went on for a few minutes, but to save paper and therefore the trees and therefore the forests and therefore the environment and therefore the world I have tried to keep it short. David Walliams
“ The maggots will nibble off the dirt, you muck snipes! Mrs Curdle would snigger. To dry off afterwards, she would peg the children to the washing line by their ears. TWANG! Once, when Elsie was found… David Walliams
“ Pulling wings off daddy-longlegs, stapling cats’ tails to the floor, hanging bunny rabbits on a clothes line by their ears, just a bit of fun. David Walliams
“ Do NOT complain about the tea. We know it tastes like someone’s bathwater that has been PEED in. That’s because it is. David Walliams
“ Are you sure you want this, Dennis? asked Raj. Vogue is mainly read by ladies, and your drama teacher Mr Howerd. David Walliams
“ Flanked by two incredibly bulky nurses who dwarfed her. One nurse had a black eye, and ‘LOVE’ and ‘HATE’ tattooed on her knuckles. The other had a tattoo of a spider’s web on her neck and what looked… David Walliams
“ That night Jack lay in bed, in the place just between awake and asleep. The room was beginning to disappear to make way for the world of dreams. David Walliams
“ No one knows where socks disappear to. It is one of the universe's greatest mysteries. Either they are sucked into a black hole where time and space have become flattened, or they get caught in the ba… David Walliams
“ Friday Soup of the day – Terrapin Pan-fried otter steaks Or Owl quiche (kosher) Or Boiled poodle (not suitable for vegetarians) All served with a slice of gravy Dessert – Mouse mousse David Walliams
“ Unfortunately for Ben and Granny, it turns out that ancient poo does still pong.) After David Walliams
“ Very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very… David Walliams
