I was hoping the people of the world might be united by something more interesting, like drugs or an unarmed struggle against the undead.
I thought the president-elect’s identity as a despicable human being was something we could all agree on.
I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad he comes to your house and steals things.
I had just turned twenty-nine, and honestly, I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Sometimes it felt like life was more a process of elimination than a series of choices.
I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters
He has a point there, that’s harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again.
He didn't understand that it's all connected, that one subject leads to another and forms a kind of chain that rises its head and nods like cobra when you're sucking on a bong after three days of no s...
Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one
Do you mind if we make this a no-smoking bench? There is no we. Our votes automatically cancel one another out. What she meant was, Do you mind if I make this a no-smoking bench?This woman was wearing...
Dad doesn’t pay attention when you talk to him, so Paul’s taken to throwing the term IRS into his sentences. Then it’s suddenly: Hold on a second, what did you say?
Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable.
As we walk into the store, he confides that his biggest regret is that Melina never got to have sex, that he ruined all that by getting her spayed.
All I can say is that if it helps to have friends, it helps even more to have friends who are governors!
A young couple strolls by, the adoration of one bouncing off the tolerance of the other.
What fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
Weeks passed, my suitcase grew more and more conventional. I’ve got something for you, I’d say to a teenager. It’s nothing huge,
We flew to Los Angeles, where I secured a new passport. The picture in my stolen one wasn’t half bad, but in the new one I look like a penis with an old person’s face drawn on it.
She took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which really wasn't that much of a stretch
You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment.
When it happens to you it's a national tragedy— you wonder. Only when it happens to someone else do you realize what a dull story it really is.