WHEN ASKED What do we need to learn this for? any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and sta...
Use the word 'ya'll' and before you knew it, you'd find yourself in a haystack french-kissing an underage goat
Up close the city constitutes an oppressive series of staircases, but from a distance it inspires fantasies of wealth and power so profound that even our communists are temporarily rendered speechless...
True art was based upon despair, and the important thing was to make yourself and those around you as miserable as possible.
Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone wants those Turtles.
To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I long to capture the playful quality of your buttocks.
Time is cruel to everything but seems to have singled out eyeglasses for special punishment. What looks good now is guaranteed to embarrass you twenty years down the line, which is, of course, the who...
This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.
This was for me one of those adult moments involving a choice. Do you shrug your shoulders and say, I couldn’t get it to work either, or do you tell the woman she spent the weekend trying to open a wi...
This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you, he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that this time he was right. Worse than the boil was the stuff that came out of it. What got to me, a...
These tabloids only want to exploit. They don’t understand this woman and her life. They don’t understand you, let alone someone like me. If you want my opinion, they’re nothing but savages and we’d b...
These people were the only contact I had outside of the men and women who picked me up hitchhiking back and forth to work every day. I’d arrive at the shop, listen to Christian radio, get blessed out...
There were no computers in my high school, and the first two times I attempted college, people were still counting on their fingers and removing their shoes when the numbers got above ten.
There was a sink for washing glasses and an assortment of cartoon napkins illustrating the lighter side of alcoholism.
Their house had real hard-cover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
The writers she prefers are long dead and are on the wordy side. If the novel on the sofa is 700 pages long, and the author photo is an engraving, it's either hers or Hugh's.
The word love was replaced by a heart shape I’m guessing they’ll put on the typewriter keyboard any day now, right beside the exclamation point.
The word 'phobic' has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than good old-fashioned loathing.
The woman had decided that I was a hard-ass, one of those guys who refuse under any circumstances to do anyone a favor. But it's not true. I just prefer that the favor be idea, and that it leaves me...
The third guest, a poet, had recently published a memoir about her cancer and the many operations performed in an effort to reconstruct her jaw.