If there'd been anything decent in the house, anything approaching real ice cream, it would have been eaten long ago. I knew this, so I bypassed the freezer in the kitchen and the secondary freezer in...
If you’re looking for sympathy you can find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
I wanted it, I wanted, I wanted, but the moment it was mine, it ceased to interest me.
I felt the hatred of my classmates and slunk down in my seat. Then,
If I'm walking down an American street and anyone darker than a peanut shell approaches, I'll say, Hello. This because, if I don't say it, he or she might think that I'm anxious. Which, of course, I m...
He sounded like me when I sensed there were drugs around: All I know is that if someone wants to get high, or wants to watch while I smoke his dope, I'll do it. I really will.
The slumber party took place in what the Methodists called a family room, the Catholics used as an extra bedroom, and the neighborhood's only Jews had turned into a combination darkroom and fallout sh...
One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, What’s the most exotic place you’ve ever made love? He was likely expecting The kitchen or On a te...
On a recent flight from Tokyo to Beijing, at around the time that my lunch tray was taken away, I remembered that I needed to learn Mandarin. Goddamnit, I whispered. I knew I forgot something.
That, the chief counselor said, is what happens to people who play around. If this was the punishment for a boy and a girl, I felt certain the penalty for two boys somehow involved barbed wire, a team...
Leeches are singing in my asshole.
Later that night I met a Bulgarian. In my country, you say to someone you hate, ‘May you build a house from your kidney stones.’ Well, finally, I thought.
When it comes time to decide who gets the bottom bunk, I think anyone would agree that there’s a lot to be said for doing things the hard way.
Do you mind if we make this a no-smoking bench? There is no we. Our votes automatically cancel one another out. What she meant was, Do you mind if I make this a no-smoking bench?This woman was wearing...
I was hoping the people of the world might be united by something more interesting, like drugs or an unarmed struggle against the undead.
I’m going to have you fired! and I wanted to lean over and say, I’m going to have you killed.
With practice I will eventually realize my goal; in the meantime, come to Paris and you will find me, headphones plugged tight in my external audio meatus, walking the quays and whispering, 'Has anyth...
My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.
I’d been to only one Walmart in my life before this and I was shocked at how ugly it was, even by American standards. It was a mammoth jumble of absolute shit made more chaotic by brightly colored sig...
Sometimes, when I find it hard to sleep, I’ll think of when we first met, of the newness of each other’s body, and my impatience to know everything about this person. Looking back, I should have taken...
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