“ I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly
“ Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Wel… Billy Connolly
“ The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. Billy Connolly
“ Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! Billy Connolly
“ I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. Billy Connolly
“ Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor… Billy Connolly
“ My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. Billy Connolly
“ I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. Billy Connolly
“ I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. Billy Connolly
“ The human race has been set up. Someone somewhere is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started? Billy Connolly
“ When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Billy Connolly
“ Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time. Billy Connolly
“ The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just encourages them.... Billy Connolly
