“ Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight. Bauvard
“ When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations. Bauvard
“ Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives. Bauvard
“ Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. Bauvard
“ We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance. Bauvard
“ The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy. Bauvard
“ Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages. Bauvard
“ Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular. Bauvard
“ Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are. Bauvard
“ I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy. Bauvard
“ I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me. Bauvard
“ Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks. Bauvard
“ I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’. Bauvard
