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Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.

Simone Elkeles

Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.

Simone Elkeles

Tags: carlos fuentes, humour, rules of attraction

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in ord...

Quentin Crisp

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in ord...

Quentin Crisp

Tags: absurdism, atheism, humour, inspirational, prayer

As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.

Joan Dye Gussow

As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.

Joan Dye Gussow

Tags: humour

Step up to red alert."Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." - Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf

Rob Grant

Step up to red alert."Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." - Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf

Rob Grant

Tags: humour, red dwarf, science fiction, sf

People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

Robert Clark

People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

Robert Clark

Tags: epigrams, humour, smoking

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

Russell Brand

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

Russell Brand

Tags: humour

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

Phyllis Diller

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

Phyllis Diller

Tags: christmas, humour

Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears e...

Joss Whedon

Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears e...

Joss Whedon

Tags: alienation, buffy the vampire slayer, confusion, frustration, humour

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

Robert Clark

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

Robert Clark

Tags: homelessness, humour, masturbation

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

Orson Scott Card

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

Orson Scott Card

Tags: cannibalism, ender, humour, sci fi

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: humour

I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.

Jim Baen

I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.

Jim Baen

Tags: humour

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

Dorothy Parker

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

Dorothy Parker

Tags: boredom, counting sheep, humour

Would I serve you or (Prince) Jon stolen goods? he asked. "No, don't answer me.

Tamora Pierce

Would I serve you or (Prince) Jon stolen goods? he asked. "No, don't answer me.

Tamora Pierce

Tags: humour

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

Albert Camus

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

Albert Camus

Tags: genius, humanity, humour, man, problems

There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap.And what...

Russell T. Davies

There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap.And what...

Russell T. Davies

Tags: doctor who, humour

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Clint Eastwood

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Clint Eastwood

Tags: humour

Half my life is an act of revision.

John Irving

Half my life is an act of revision.

John Irving

Tags: drama, humour

If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .

Joss Whedon

If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .

Joss Whedon

Tags: buffy the vampire slayer, humour, lies

Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."No, I'm not," said Ani.Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?

Shannon Hale

Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."No, I'm not," said Ani.Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?

Shannon Hale

Tags: humour
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