I laughed because, as everyone knows, laughing is a great way to disguise heavy breathing.
I laugh thinking about if they ever tried to do Who Wore It Best? for men’s magazines. They wouldn’t, because no one would care. Men don’t care which men looked better in the same clothes because it’s...
I know a small part of you thinks you could’ve ended up with Natalie Portman if you had played things a little differently. That’s nice. You can have that. That’s not hurting anybody.
I knew that the best way to get out of chores, or sports, or talking to elderly relatives on the phone was by holding up a book and saying, But I’m just enjoying Little House on the Prairie so much!
I just want ambitious teenagers to know it is totally fine to be quite, observant kids. Besides being a delight to your parents, you will find you have plenty of time later to catch up.
I just want ambitious teenagers to know it is totally fine to be quiet, observant kids. Besides being a delight to your parents, you will find you have plenty of time later to catch up. So many people...
I find it extremely impossible not to cry when I hear Stevie Nicks’s Landslide, especially the lyric: I’ve been afraid of changing, because I’ve built my life around you. I think a good test to see if...
I felt bad for Lulu because I've been Lulu. It's really hard when you realize the guy you've been dating is basically a high schooler at heart. It make you feel like Mary Kay Letourneau. It's the wors...
I don’t think it should be socially acceptable for people to say they are bad with names. No one is bad with names. That is not a real thing. Not knowing people’s names isn’t a neurological condition;...
I don’t have that kind of confidence. My voice is loud and piercing, and I project like I was once told by a doctor during a childhood illness that I would never speak again.
I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on an...
I can’t for the life of me not eat something that I want to eat. You know how if you turned on a faucet in your sink to wash your hands, the idea of leaving the bathroom without turning it off is insa...
I believe the potluck tradition of entertaining is the equivalent of a teenage boy wanting to have sex with his girlfriend but who is too scared to go to CVS to buy condoms. If you can’t handle provid...
Greta told me when I wore an outfit that was unflattering, which was how I knew she was real. And she would do it the best way anyone had ever given me an insult: You have so much more to offer than t...
Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere.
Full-on All-Night Sex-a-thon is also the name of my debut hip-hop album.
For some reason, I immediately thought about how my parents had always been especially fond of Mavis, and here was this moment when I understood exactly why: she was a good person. It felt so good to...
For lunch I usually have something hearty like a burger or tacos. I have always believed lunch should be the biggest meal of the day. People who say breakfast should be the biggest meal are insane. Yo...
Every winter, the Latin Club celebrated Saturnalia ... We wore togas ... and wreaths made out of pipe cleaners, and we had a feast of whole roast chickens and carbonated grape juice, which we ate with...
Eleven years into this, I am able to sleep through any amount of noise and temperature. Sometimes I wake up and hope I slept through a Walking Dead–type zombie apocalypse and I have to lead humans int...