I can’t for the life of me not eat something that I want to eat. You know how if you turned on a faucet in your sink to wash your hands, the idea of leaving the bathroom without turning it off is insa...
I believe the potluck tradition of entertaining is the equivalent of a teenage boy wanting to have sex with his girlfriend but who is too scared to go to CVS to buy condoms. If you can’t handle provid...
However, you should know I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say it’s acid in the face—who will love them now? Another old saying is...
Greta told me when I wore an outfit that was unflattering, which was how I knew she was real. And she would do it the best way anyone had ever given me an insult: You have so much more to offer than t...
Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere.
Everyone has a moment when they discover they love Amy Poehler.
Every winter, the Latin Club celebrated Saturnalia ... We wore togas ... and wreaths made out of pipe cleaners, and we had a feast of whole roast chickens and carbonated grape juice, which we ate with...
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT all white people are racist. And
Cause that’s all I want. A sweet, mature, normal, loving guy, with no baggage. And who has an absolutely enormous penis.
But none of that mattered, because I knew the truth, which is if someone really wants to see you, they always find a way. Always. That
Boys are broke. And when they do have money, they spend it on a trip to Colorado to see a music festival.
Boys are adorable. Boys trail off their sentences in an appealing way. Boys bring a knapsack to work. Boys get haircuts from their roommate, who totally knows how to cut hair. Boys can pack up their w...
Besides, who wants to read about success, anyway? Successful serial murderers, maybe.
At the age of six, the criteria for handsome was simply: Is he not related to me? and Have I seen him on television? That was it. By this standard, Larry Bird, Dick Clark, and Andy Rooney. All handsom...
As an adult, I've met an ocean of divorced people. I might even know more divorced people than married people, because I live in godless Los Angeles, where if you're engaged it simply means you're pub...
As a kid, I was curious but not remotely adventurous, if that makes sense.
As a bridesmaid, on the morning of the wedding you will be unfolding the rusty metal legs of a banquet table and in the distance you will see a useless groomsman playing Frisbee with a dog. To rub sal...
Anyone who comes to visit the set of The Office always says the same thing when they leave: Holy crap, that was scary! This is because we shoot at the end of a dead-end street on an industrial block o...
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. My opinion? Take care of revenge right away.
And when she’s at the door, Mark stops her and he says, I like you, very much. Just as you are. It’s ridiculous that I love this so much. It’s so simple. It’s not a witty, perfectly phrased, Ephron-y...