Cause that’s all I want. A sweet, mature, normal, loving guy, with no baggage. And who has an absolutely enormous penis.
But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of the lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don't wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is re...
But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don't wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserv...
But basically, either way, you can’t go wrong. I look at all of you and see America’s future: attorneys, corporate lawyers, public prosecutors, judges, politicians, maybe even the president of the Uni...
Bren was the kind of best friend I dreamed about having when I was a little kid. I never knew you could have someone in your life who was pretty much on the same page about essentially everything.
Bennifer was so big it was as though two people had never been in love before, and they had discovered it.
Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me.
As it is, I guess I find Jack & Diane a little disgusting. As a child of immigrant professionals, I can’t help but notice the wasteful frivolity of it all.
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. My opinion? Take care of revenge right away.
And when she’s at the door, Mark stops her and he says, I like you, very much. Just as you are. It’s ridiculous that I love this so much. It’s so simple. It’s not a witty, perfectly phrased, Ephron-y...
And though you understand the pecking order and respect the judge—and even if the judge says Great argument, Counselor Kaling, the court concurs—you also just want to not have to plead your case all t...
And this actress, this poor skinny actress who so clearly lost weight to play the likable lead, has to say things like ‘shut up you guys! I love cheesecake! If I want to eat an entire cheesecake, I wi...
A honeymoon is, after all, a sex vacation you're giving yourself after a massive party in your honor.
7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore. Just one. Wear very little of it, all the time. I cannot tell you how sexy it is to be enveloped in a hug by a man whose smell you remember. Th...
Stay in school and be a respectful and hardworking wallflower, and go to an accredited non-online university
It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our ma...
One got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.
My attitude toward alcohol was that it was a delicious and dangerous treat that, when obtained, needed to be ingested quickly in case someone tried to take it away. You know, the way a raccoon eats fr...
It’s blue and it’s wailing because its little body is cold. The only people who think it’s beautiful are its parents, and the doctor is just happy it’s alive. And none of that is funny.
If someone really wants to see you, they always find a way. Always.