It’s blue and it’s wailing because its little body is cold. The only people who think it’s beautiful are its parents, and the doctor is just happy it’s alive. And none of that is funny.
Depression is something that I’ve come to accept from my creative community and I realize that’s probably alien to most people. I don’t know why the funniest people I know are also depressed.
You might also see that some of my playlists are simply two songs on repeat fifteen times, like I’m a psycho getting pumped up to murder the president.
Years later I realized that the way I had felt during those first few months was correct. I didn’t deserve to be confident yet. I happen to believe that no one inherently deserves anything, except bas...
When you are entitled, you are the most insufferable person ever. If you are entitled and hardworking, which I am, you are still pretty insufferable, but at least you somewhat earned your entitled beh...
When I have kids I will largely follow how my parents raised me, because, like everyone else on the planet, I think my parents are perfect and so am I. But one thing I will impart to my children is If...
What’s that? You’ve never heard of the freshman thirty-five? That’s funny, because neither had my parents, who welcomed me home on spring vacation with mild horror. I was a vaguely familiar food monst...
We do a thing in America, which is to label people workaholics and tell them that work is ruining their lives. It’s such a widespread opinion that it seems like the premise to every indie movie is Wor...
Until I realized: this long expanse of free time to rekindle friendships is not real. We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other’s undivided attention. That ve...
Ultimately, the main reasons why I will be chubby for life are (1) I have virtually no hobbies except dieting. I can’t speak any non-English languages, knit, ski, scrapbook, or cook. I have no pets. I...
Thus, I never learned moderation. When I arrived at Dartmouth College in 1997, my attitude toward alcohol was that it was a delicious and dangerous treat that, when obtained, needed to be ingested qui...
Throwing a tantrum feels good because you think you are ruining everyone's good time when you feel your very worst. But the truth is, you're not ruining their good time, you're just giving them anothe...
This story didn't end in fireworks, because the truth is, fireworks are something from my twenties. I could have made fireworks, but I chose to make a nuanced memory of a person who is neither a hero...
They’re awful fears. They’re sweat-through-your-nightgown-into-your-sheets fears. I don’t wish them on any of you. But if you have them too, that makes me feel better. And if you feel better knowing t...
There was silence. No one looked at me. People pretended to be absorbed in their phones. One writer didn’t even have a phone, so he just pretended to be absorbed in his hand.
There is no difference between Ripley from Alien and any Katherine Heigl character.
The truth is, if I were going to lose weight successfully, I would have to think about what I eat constantly.
The terrorists scramble. Who is this invisible antiterrorist? It’s me, Mindy Kaling. I was hiding behind Cee Lo’s fur coat,
The result of my not caring so much about what I say allows me to care more about how I say it.
The key to maximizing this perception is making sure you make lots of angry and tense phone calls while your clothes are being measured.