There is no difference between Ripley from Alien and any Katherine Heigl character.
They gave you that trophy so you wouldn’t feel bad, not because you deserved it. You should know the difference.
This ethereal weirdo abounds in movies, but nowhere else. If she were from real life, people would think she was a homeless woman and would cross the street to avoid her, but she is essential to the m...
This photo is more significant because it is a rare time where my head looks normal size. I have enormous head, so it is important to me to have a few flattering, head-minimizing photos.
This wretched little magazine article has helped convince more open-minded liberal arts graduates that the nuclear family doesn’t exist without some hideous twist, like the dad is allowed to go to an...
Throwing a tantrum feels good because you think you are ruining everyone's good time when you feel your very worst. But the truth is, you're not ruining their good time, you're just giving them anothe...
Thus, I never learned moderation. When I arrived at Dartmouth College in 1997, my attitude toward alcohol was that it was a delicious and dangerous treat that, when obtained, needed to be ingested qui...
Until I realized: this long expanse of free time to rekindle friendships is not real. We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other’s undivided attention. That ve...
We do a thing in America, which is to label people workaholics and tell them that work is ruining their lives. It’s such a widespread opinion that it seems like the premise to every indie movie is Wor...
We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don’t have to make it official. It just is.
When I have kids I will largely follow how my parents raised me, because, like everyone else on the planet, I think my parents are perfect and so am I. But one thing I will impart to my children is If...
When I pick songs for karaoke, I have three concerns: (1) What will this song say about me? (2) How will I sound singing it? and (3) How will it make people feel?
When I played the I don’t feel comfortable card, he knew it was over. I don’t feel comfortable is the classic manipulative girl get-my-way line. It’s right up there with I don’t feel entirely safe. Wa...
When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I’ll call Peter Parker. I’m calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy’s name was also alliterative, and because, w...
Why do all the men I know put their shoes on incredibly slowly? When I tie my shoelaces I can do it standing, and I’m out the door in about ten seconds. (Or, more often, I don’t even tie my shoelaces....
And I went to Dartmouth to pursue my love of white people and North Face parkas.
But when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going...
My attitude toward alcohol was that it was a delicious and dangerous treat that, when obtained, needed to be ingested quickly in case someone tried to take it away. You know, the way a raccoon eats fr...
Time-wasting dominoes
Which I would write on Sunday afternoons sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor with no pants on.
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