A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed...
10. I will never have a husband and all my female acquaintances will.11. I WILL have a husband and he will be like my female acquaintances' husbands.
You should never have to say hello or goodbye. Even at work sometimes, and I know this is very unpopular, is that if I'm going to work every single day, I don't think you should have to hug people hel...
Time-wasting dominoes
But when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going...
And I went to Dartmouth to pursue my love of white people and North Face parkas.
Why do all the men I know put their shoes on incredibly slowly? When I tie my shoelaces I can do it standing, and I’m out the door in about ten seconds. (Or, more often, I don’t even tie my shoelaces....
When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I’ll call Peter Parker. I’m calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy’s name was also alliterative, and because, w...
When I played the I don’t feel comfortable card, he knew it was over. I don’t feel comfortable is the classic manipulative girl get-my-way line. It’s right up there with I don’t feel entirely safe. Wa...
We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don’t have to make it official. It just is.
This photo is more significant because it is a rare time where my head looks normal size. I have enormous head, so it is important to me to have a few flattering, head-minimizing photos.
This ethereal weirdo abounds in movies, but nowhere else. If she were from real life, people would think she was a homeless woman and would cross the street to avoid her, but she is essential to the m...
They gave you that trophy so you wouldn’t feel bad, not because you deserved it. You should know the difference.
Then we’d leave and have our regular dinners at our respective homes. Obviously, the waiters loathed us. In a way we were worse than the dine-and-dashers because at least the dine-and-dashers only hit...
The result of my not caring so much about what I say allows me to care more about how I say it. I think it makes my writing more personal and more enjoyable. If you’re reading this, you’re probably a...
The Emmy announcements take place at 5:30 a.m., Pacific Standard Time, because when we are finding out the top six contenders for best miniseries, movie, or dramatic special, it’s important that the w...
So things were coming together nicely for me to embark on a full-fledged depression. One good thing about New York is that most people function daily while in a low-grade depression.
So You’ve Just Finished Chelsea Handler’s Book, Now What?
One good thing about New York is that most people function daily while in a low-grade depression.
Once I saw Paris Hilton leaving a restaurant in Hollywood and the paparazzi cameras were all over her. It looked so unpleasant. It wasn't because she didn't look sensational - she was that perfect com...