“ I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win. Justin Halpern
“ I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words… Justin Halpern
“ See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested. Justin Halpern
“ Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read. Justin Halpern
“ You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. Justin Halpern
“ Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. Justin Halpern
“ I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a… Justin Halpern
“ You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing. Justin Halpern
“ If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup Justin Halpern
“ Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indic… Justin Halpern
“ That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. Justin Halpern
“ ... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Justin Halpern
“ Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. Justin Halpern
“ You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. Justin Halpern
