“ I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food. Jim Gaffigan
“ Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides. Jim Gaffigan
“ Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to c… Jim Gaffigan
“ There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. Jim Gaffigan
“ As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain a… Jim Gaffigan
“ Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'. Jim Gaffigan
“ For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait t… Jim Gaffigan
“ Jeannie is Bill Clinton, and I am Al Gore. She feels their pain, and I’m the dork reminding them to turn off the lights. I’m always Joe Biden saying the wrong thing. Jim Gaffigan
“ I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section. Jim Gaffigan
“ Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the oth… Jim Gaffigan
“ I was only hit on once at the grocery store. I remember it was early one Saturday morning and I was buying my daily bacon, when I got tapped on the shoulder. I turned around and I saw a rather short a… Jim Gaffigan
“ I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful. Jim Gaffigan
“ How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France. Jim Gaffigan
“ I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an e… Jim Gaffigan
“ There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste. Jim Gaffigan
“ In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza. Jim Gaffigan
“ Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that… Jim Gaffigan
“ Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the… Jim Gaffigan
