Is this who I married?! Something is terribly wrong. Let us reassure you, nothing has gone wrong. Romantic Love is just the first stage of couplehood. It’s supposed to fade. Romantic Love is the power...
In the words of Wordsworth, we come into the world trailing clouds of glory, but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact that we are whole, spiritual beings. We live impoverished,...
Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. —MARTIN BUBER
Ironically, for reasons we will explore in later chapters, fusers (who experienced neglectful caretaking) and isolators (who experienced intrusive parenting) tend to grow up and marry each other, thus...
The unconscious is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.
In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. —ANDRÉ MAUROIS
Helen’s research in the field of epistemology, the science of how we know what we know, helps explain why. There are two different types of knowing: Separate Knowing and Connected Knowing. Here’s an i...
From our view, these scars are very active in adult intimate relationships and show up constantly when a partner turns away or shows a still face when the other is trying to engage.
FROM ECSTASY TO AGONY Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest ni...
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship? Because you can’t always have both. You can’t cuddle up and relax with being right after a long day.
Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood...
When Harville awakened, he looked at the same scene with a loud and appreciative exclamation. I was tempted to explain to him that I had already seen the beautiful view and was now working on an impor...
All this may seem like a terrible tangle. But since partnership is designed to resurface feelings from childhood, it means that most of the upset that gets triggered in us during our relationship is f...
Generally speaking, there are two simplified categories that parenting falls into: intrusive or neglectful caretaking. Parents were either overinvolved—telling us what to do, think, and feel—or they w...
Whoa! The idea that your partner is really a composite of your parents can be a bit upsetting at first. Though we love our parents, most of us got over (consciously) wanting to marry them when we turn...
When we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn’t pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it...
When rudely awakened from the dazzling dream of compatibility, people can get very grumpy. Desperate to end the pain and disappointment Romantic Love leaves behind, many couples get divorced. Others w...
We have learned over the years of helping couples that just spending quality time talking about each other’s pasts can be very helpful. We’ve seen how effective this can be in our couples’ workshops....
There are times in most relationships when one partner is mystified by the other’s behavior: You’re crazy. You keep doing the same things over and over, and it’s totally unproductive! Or, I am totally...
One minute you’re involved in your life as you know it, when suddenly you see the one. Your eyes meet (perhaps across a crowded room). Heart palpitations start. And the fairy tale of romance begins. F...
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