The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy but that it is a bore.
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously.
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.
I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
The only liberty an inferior man really cherishes is the liberty to quit work stretch out in the sun and scratch himself.
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with - even if he drank.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
Husbands never become good they merely become proficient.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.