Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
There are no friends at cards or world politics.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off fr'm th' angels.
Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th'...
An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.
Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.
Vice goes a long way tow'rd makin' life bearable. A little vice now an' thin is relished by th' best iv men.
Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it but it's a kind iv a d...
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not the Supreme Court follows the election returns.
I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day but no change at all ivry fifty years.
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
You can lead a man up to the university but you can't make him think.
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a ni...
