How can you make jokes after learning such things? You learn to laugh, or you paint the walls with your brains. But what I said was, It’s how we cope.
The guests and I spent a glorious thirty minutes on some of the most uncomfortable folding chairs my ass has ever borne witness to, listening to a pastor who could make a sloth look like a gerbil on c...
Some of us were not born to fight. When the options are fight or die, everyone was born to fight.
She’s a firecracker, that one. She’s usually the most reasonable of the bunch, I said. The Old Man shook his head and stroked his beard. You’ve obviously not seen her angry. Ah, but I’ve seen her nake...
Look on the bright side, Foster said. If it’s not the right thing, you’ll be too dead to worry about it. Carter grimaced. Thanks, I feel much better now. There is no better way to die, than to die wit...
Drag fertile human women into fairy mounds to provide milk for the fairy children.
Um, what did you say? He was screaming again. I said you almost hit the highway impact attenuation devices! The what? The barrels! The big fucking yellow barrels!
There are days so great, you wish them to never end, There are days gone so bad, you wish them never to have been, And there are days when hell kicks in your front door.
I worked hard not to stare when she leaned forward, showing me more cleavage as she laughed. I’d consider my effort not to stare a moderate success.
Tired of hunting down sources of milk for the kids? Call in the next half hour and we’ll give you two, that’s two cu siths for the price of one. Don’t want to drag those screaming women home all by yo...
I stared at my sister as she started walking back to us. Blood ran down her chin and was splattered across her face. He’s dead, she said. Thank you, Captain Obvious, I said.
Ale burns like a bitch when you shoot it through your nose.
Hopefully this girl gets a happy ending. The last two sure as hell didn’t. I
He knew exactly what he was doing with every atrocity he committed. There is no hope for someone who loses themselves to righteousness.
He glanced down at the paper, then looked at Sam. His jaw opened slowly and he turned back to the picture of Elizabeth’s mom. Fuck me, is that a pigeon head in her hair? Please tell me you did that. Y...
Have you ever eaten meat on a Friday? Mike asked as the stairs echoed beneath our footsteps. What? I said. Does cow count? Ah, then you were already going to hell, Mike said.
Good for naps, Alan said, stretching his legs out with a lazy smile. I gave Alan a slow nod. You’ve learned my most secret of secrets. You can never leave here alive. Just ignore him, Alan said. He ha...
Everyone let out a sigh of relief as Carter came into view. Look what I found! he said as he held up the decapitated head of the other Alpha. I grimaced and said, Carter, you don’t know where that’s b...
Unless you consider pissing yourself and running away screaming a gift, which some do.
There’re going to be a lot of unexplained scars in the morning.
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