David Sedaris Quotes

I’ve been around for nearly half a century, yet still I’m afraid of everything and everyone. A child sits beside me on a plane and I make conversation, thinking how stupid I must sound. The downstairs...

Also it’s so cold here, too cold to do anything but sit in front of the space heater. Right now I’m wearing long underwear, a flannel shirt, a pajama shirt, a sweater, a jacket, a coat, and a hat. Ins...

The third guest, a poet, had recently published a memoir about her cancer and the many operations performed in an effort to reconstruct her jaw.

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.

I’m going to have you fired! and I wanted to lean over and say, I’m going to have you killed.

With practice I will eventually realize my goal; in the meantime, come to Paris and you will find me, headphones plugged tight in my external audio meatus, walking the quays and whispering, 'Has anyth...

I was hoping the people of the world might be united by something more interesting, like drugs or an unarmed struggle against the undead.

I’d been to only one Walmart in my life before this and I was shocked at how ugly it was, even by American standards. It was a mammoth jumble of absolute shit made more chaotic by brightly colored sig...

One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, What’s the most exotic place you’ve ever made love? He was likely expecting The kitchen or On a te...

Neither were we allowed to choose what we ate. I have a friend whose seven-year-old will only consider something if it's white. Had I tried that, my parents would have said, You're on, and served me a...

There are only two kinds of flights: ones in which you die and ones in which you do not.

This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

When the week was over, we went to Paris. There are any number of stores there that time seems to have forgotten. At one of them I bought five rubber noses. That’s one for every serial killer I read a...

Pointing to the oversized crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient wise man proclaimed, A child is bored. Yes, well, so was this adult.

It bothered me that the bag bothered me more than head did, but what are you going to do? A person doesn't conciously choose what he focuses on. Those things choose you, and, once they do, nothing, it...

This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you, he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that this time he was right. Worse than the boil was the stuff that came out of it. What got to me, a...

It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

I don’t know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals who wear uniforms, and then rereading them if the child so order...

SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON’T THINK SO.