Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny, it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them, because I get...
¡Sentimientos liberales! ¡Pero a mí no me vengas con monsergas de justicia! ¡Vete a Tennessee montado en un pollino y ponte a convencer a esos palurdos sudistas de que en realidad son negros pintados...
Think of Big Mac’s aphorism: In order to have sex, women need to feel loved; but in order for men to feel loved, we need to have sex.
Over 85% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
An' that cold hand o' wind was Old Georgie's hand, yay, the devil what was standin' there wavin' a crookit spoon.
Your place does keep you sane, but can also keep you lonely.
Yet what are we without our addictions? Insipid. Flavourless.
Writing novels worth reading will bugger up your mind, jeopardize your relationships, and distend your life.
Why’s it okay to draw spaceships if you’re seven, but not okay to draw diabolical mazes? Who decides that spending money on Space Invaders is fine, but if you buy a calculator with loads of symbols yo...
When people listen they make a listening noise.
When a woman is interested in you, she’ll let you know; if not, there’s no aftershave, gift, or line you can spin to make her change her mind.
We are only what we know, and I wished to be so much more than I was, sorely.
Wars are never cured, they just go into remission for a few years. The End is what we want, so I'm afraid the End is what we're damn well going to get.
War's an auction where whoever can pay the most in damage and still be standing wins.
Truth has this habit of changing after the fact, don’t you find?
True knowledge without xperience is food without sustenance
This world, he thinks, contains just one masterpiece, and that is itself.
This world spins from the same unseen forces that twist our hearts.
This society doesn't work without booze – our parties aren't good enough, our conversations aren't sufficiently interesting, nor is our self-confidence high enough to sustain our interactions without...
Then the true true is diff'rent to the seemin' true? said I.Yay, an' it usually is, I mem'ry Meronym sain', an' that's why true true is presher'n'rarer'n diamonds