By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. Th...
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I s...
The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.
Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey...
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
Oh Satan you're a wily one.
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe....
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.