AtomicQuote

Alan King Quotes

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end u...

Alan King

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end u...

Tags: hero, father, smart

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Alan King

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Tags: marriage, nature, strangers, fighting

About Author
Alan King (born Irwin Alan Kniberg; December 26, 1927 – May 9, 2004) was an American comedian, actor and satirist known for his biting wit and often angry humorous rants. He was also a serious actor who appeared in a number of films and television shows. King wrote several books, produced films, and appeared in plays. In his later years, he helped many philanthropic causes.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Alan King

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Tags: marriage, companionship, love, want, you

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Alan King

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Tags: money, friend, down, you

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, t...

Alan King

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, t...

Tags: crime, say, joke

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

Alan King

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

Tags: great, think, you

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Alan King

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Tags: fun, want, you

There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

Alan King

There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

Tags: soul, doing, you

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse h...

Alan King

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse h...

Tags: apple, me, run

I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not carin...

Alan King

I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not carin...

Tags: marriage, caring, wife

My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

Alan King

My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

Tags: woman, wife, crazy

That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that...

Alan King

That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that...

Tags: time, father, great

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

Alan King

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

Tags: sister, mother, cousins

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability t...

Alan King

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability t...

Tags: reflection, mirror, fun