The three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money, and his religious opinions.
Money is the last enemy that shall never be subdued. While there is flesh there is money or the want of money, but money is always on the brain so long as there is a brain in reasonable order.
Human life is as evanescent as the morning dew or a flash of lightning.
We grow weary of those things (and perhaps soonest) which we most desire.
One of the first businesses of a sensible man is to know when he is beaten and to leave off fighting at once.
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
A lawyer's dream of heaven - every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.
And so there is no God but has been in the loins of past gods.
If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every living organism to live beyond its income.
A friend who cannot at a pinch remember a thing or two that never happened is as bad as one who does not know how to forget.
The tendency of modern science is to reduce proof to absurdity by continually reducing absurdity to proof.
The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too.
The Athanasian Creed is to me light and intelligible reading in comparison with much that now passes for science.
They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, 'Can he name a kitten?'
It is a wise tune that knows its own father, and I like my music to be the legitimate offspring of respectable parents.
We shall never get people whose time is money to take much interest in atoms.
It has been said that the love of money is the root of all evil. The want of money is so quite as truly.
The history of the world is the record of the weakness, frailty and death of public opinion.
If I die prematurely I shall be saved from being bored to death at my own success.