That’s what he learned from his life so far: always aim smaller.
The X had released its first wave of chemical optimism, I could feel it float up inside me like a big test balloon and splatter on the roof of my mouth, spraying good cheer. I could almost taste it, l...
The climax is when you are taught the lesson that Punch never learns, and you are caught and charged with murder.
The kind of house that is immediately familiar: a generically grand, unchallenging, new, new, new house that my wife would—and did—detest.
The moral to the story being: Mr. Binks was a cheating dickweasel, but, you know, marriage is compromise.
The ones who are not soul-mated – the ones who have settled – are even more dismissive of my singleness: It’s not that hard to find someone to marry, they say. No relationship is perfect, they say – t...
The rug says: All Are Friends Who Enter Here. It is from Costco. I have learned about bulk shopping in my four weeks as a Mississippi River resident. Republicans go to Sam’s Club, Democrats go to Cost...
The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can't anymore. I don't know that we ar...
The waitress, a plain brunette disguised as a pretty brunette...
The way some women change fashion regularly, I change personalities.
The world will always need a drink
There is an unfair responsibility that comes with being an only child – you grow up knowing you aren’t allowed to disappoint, you’re not even allowed to die. There isn’t a replacement toddling around;...
They always call depression the blues, but I would have been happy to waken to a periwinkle outlook. Depression to me is urine yellow. Washed out, exhausted miles of weak piss.
This is the hardest part: waiting for stupid people to figure things out.
We are all working from the same dog-eared script.
We called them Tonys, because my dad was named Tony and he could never say no to anyone (although I assume he said no to my mom at least once, when she asked him to stay).
We complete each other in the nastiest, ugliest possible way.
We could have been day players in an amateur porn flick.
We could leave the country if you want. Live in Spain, Italy, wherever you like, spend our days eating mangoes in the sun. Sleep late, play Scrabble, flip through books aimlessly, swim in the ocean.
We had no clue that we were embarking on careers that would vanish within a decade.
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