“ I grimace, thinking someone should come up with a new phrase for 'I left the ocean without a kiwi-sized chunk of my lower-left butt cheek' to replace the rather nebulous term 'exploratory bite. Elle Lothlorien
“ Locals. They’ll eventually get out. They’re annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it’s closed. ‘Cause some kid pooped in the water. Elle Lothlorien
“ I try not to laugh too loud, afraid a bark-like noise will be mistaken by any great whites lurking in the area as the distress call of a juvenile seal. Elle Lothlorien
“ Don’t take this the wrong way, but Australians have a LOT of bitches on their cashola. Elle Lothlorien
“ Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal—all those places perfect for dying of exposure. Elle Lothlorien
“ You can pay for whatever you want, but I just want to warn you that I prefer to stay at places that don’t start or end with the word ‘motel. Elle Lothlorien
“ I have a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fear of being eaten by a great white shark. This is because I belong to a very specific demographic called American Child Whose Parents Made the Ill-Advised… Elle Lothlorien
“ Because trying to think of how to ask a woman you’ve known for exactly two days if she’d be willing to get into a car with you and take a road trip across the country was something I hadn’t quite work… Elle Lothlorien
“ . I’ve watched about a dozen tourists almost get hit by cars since I’ve been here. I barely made it to the beach alive the other day. I mean, no one knows what they’re doing. They swing their heads ba… Elle Lothlorien
“ I’ve found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind. Elle Lothlorien
“ I’m almost afraid to tell you. Let’s put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country. Elle Lothlorien
“ Like your sweet, affectionate house cat, Alice Dahl is easy to underestimate. It’s not until the songbirds in the yard show up eviscerated on the front porch that you realize you should’ve kept that b… Elle Lothlorien
“ Do you really think I’d let him call my sister a ‘bitch?’ Or you for that matter? Talon Hawk’s dumb, but he’s smarter than that…he’d be crawling around on his hands and knees picking his teeth off the… Elle Lothlorien
“ When she reaches down to touch his shoulder—a gesture only a few species and a million or so years removed from lifting a leg and marking him as her territory with a stream of urine—enough bracelets a… Elle Lothlorien
“ The line from Pulp Fiction—the one Samuel L. Jackson shouts at John Travolta as they’re trying to wash blood off their hands—pops into my head: 'I used the same soap you did and when I dried my hands,… Elle Lothlorien
“ I use the word “man” loosely. A better description would be “the most beautiful specimen of Homo sapiens sapiens with a set of XY chromosomes to grace the planet Earth at this moment, or any other era… Elle Lothlorien
“ Basic economic theory. People behave differently based on how much they think something’s worth. Because everyone got their chips for free, people made huge bets on every hand—no matter what they were… Elle Lothlorien
“ First, I’d like to point out that I didn’t use ‘one of mine.’ You refused to let me pay for my ice cream cone with a good ol’ fashioned credit card, and you forced your pretend money on me. Secondly,… Elle Lothlorien
